Hollywood thinks you’re a idiot. Every time they have computers in their films they automatically assume that you, the viewer, have no idea how they work, and therefore they can use them to do anything. It’s a magical thinking box, beware its sorcery!

"God damn it Grandpa! For the last time, this is how you sync your iPod."

They use computers as general purpose plot hole filler. They think no one will notice these little slip ups, but this is the internet my friend, and there are people like me who will notice and bitch about them. I hope that makes it hard for you to sleep at night Mr. Producer. I hope it irritates those paper cuts you have from wiping your ass with $100 bills smeared with cocaine. Hollywood still seems to be in the mindset that very few people know how computers work. However, you yourself found your way to my website, so even the most average US citizen knows something about these evil wizard-cubes*. In an age where computer use is highly prolific, it would be the equivalent of showing a trailer for a film romanticizing the life of a slave right before General Lee took the stage to surrender the Confederacy. I have compiled a list of the top 5 movies that take advantage of your computer illiteracy. After reading this, you will know more about computers than the average Hollywood producer. At least you’ll know which end of the keyboard does the typing.

*If you found your way to my website accidentally, then I advise that this site may be too mature for you. Immediately go to your address bar, type in http://www.allmidgetporn.com, then press enter to escape from this horrible site.

Tip: They have a chocolatey center

#5. CSI and Dexter

Fuck Up- Crimes are easily solved, thanks to computers.

CSI, Dexter, and numerous other cop shows portray forensic science as quick and easy answers in a box. A hobo beats a drug dealer to death with a fish while pissing his pants. The investigators scoop up some left behind urine, run it through a computer, and suddenly they have the killer’s name, appearance, shoe brand, dick size, and whether or not they believe 9/11 was a conspiracy.

"The suspect is to be considered High and Extremely Dangerous."

In real life, digital forensics is still very costly. Using computers for forensics can cost from $400 to $50,000, depending on the amount of information needed, databases accessed, tests required, etc. Even after you get the test results you have to know which of the aforementioned databases to cross-reference the information with. Is the suspect going to be registered with an in-state correctional facility, out-state correctional facility, mental hospital, or YMCA? Are they going to be registered in a database at all? Is it even worth all the time and money to investigate the case of The Hooker Who Was Stuffed into a Reese’s Pieces Bag? Fuck that, it’s Miller Time.

Masuka's in-office computer use is probably the closest "Dexter" gets to realistic forensic scientists, and I'm not talking about his Freecell high score.

#4. Eagle Eye

Fuck Up- Computer AIs control everything.

In Eagle Eye, a computer AI has seen too many Terminator movies and decided that Sky-Net is its role model. It tracks and manipulates Michelle Monaghan and Sam Witwickey into performing a mass-assassination through identity theft and hostage taking.

I can only imagine it stole his identity so that IT could make out with Megan Fox in the next Transformers movie.

Have you played a video game in the last 10 years? It is hyped on the back of 80% of game boxes to have “Advanced AI”, but computer controlled characters are still too fucking retarded to tell the difference between a door and a brick wall. If an AI was really in control then it would probably tell Shia to escape from the SWAT team by running directly at them, while blocking the bullets with his face. And what the fuck is he going to do when the idiot AI tells him that the objective he has to complete is inside the god damn bathroom wall? Or when it demands that “All your base are belong to us”?

Or that he has to bury only the top half of a 'roid monkey?

 

#3. Independence Day

Fuck Up- All computers are the same. What the fuck is compatibility?

One of the final scenes in Independence Day is so idiotic, it’s unintentionally hilarious. The human resistance has been utterly crushed. The American government realizes that the ancient Aztecs used to worship the alien invaders, and they were only able to appease them with human sacrifices. So they load an alien death trap with the two most expendable people they have on hand, Ian Malcolm and the Fresh Prince of Bel Air.

"We need to send a virus into outer space? Send Jeff Goldblum, just looking at him makes me sick."

Wait, you mean they planned on Jeff Goldblum hacking into the mother ship? Jeff Goldblum? With a Powerbook? Why the fuck are the super-advanced, intergalactic, space-traveling aliens using a shitty, human operating system? An operating system that was obsolete, even to humans, less than 10 years later?

"Jesus Christ, somebody call Tech Support! Hurry!"

#2. Jurassic Park

Fuck Up- All teenagers are computer geniuses.

Jurassic Park, by long and far, is not the only offender on this particular topic, but it is the most prevalent one. Also, this portion of idiocy manages to ruin a movie about dinosaurs. That’s like making a movie about a transforming, robotic, super hero who kicks ass and takes names, just to find out at the end that he’s a cross dresser who collects Princess Ponies. And eats puppies soaked in melted orphan sauce. Ok, that last bit might be cool.

Hollywood thinks everyone under the age of 18 is a computer programming genius. How many movies have you seen where the heroes need to hack into a computer system and none of the secret agents, femme fatales, fat slob comic reliefs, or genuine computer programmers have the required skill set to get the job done? But it’s ok, they do have an angsty teenage shithead! Yaay, the day is saved! This exact thing happens in Jurassic Park. The fat mailman from Seinfeld decides to fuck over the entire park because his boss has the audacity to tell him to do his job. Later, an actual computer programing expert explicitly says that “he can’t get the park back online without Dennis Nedry” (the Seinfeld mailman), but later in the movie the teenage girl, who has been completely useless up to this point, takes one look at a computer and says she “knows this”. Knows what? That that’s a computer screen and keyboard? Where in her high school computer class did they teach about an operating system designed to control fucking dinosaurs? Did I mention that the computer expert that I was talking about above (the one who couldn’t get the park running again) was played by Samuel L. Jackson? If he couldn’t get the park going again with a pistol to the face and a totally sweet bible verse, then I think the teenage retard would be screwed.

"I've got a plan! All the useful characters hide in the kitchen. Stupid teenager, you stay here and smother yourself in steaks and anything else that looks delicious!"

#1. Live Free or Die Hard

Fuck Up- You can hack into anything!

From what I can tell, Live Free or Die Hard is about a wizard who performs magic with something far more terrifying than a gay ass wand, Windows Vista. Timothy Olyphant plays the villain, some sort of computer genius. Besides also being a monster in a Winnie the Pooh cartoon, he also makes impossible things happen with hacking. Hacking into street lights and causing traffic accidents? Ok. Hacking into television networks to show a video that he and his nerd buddies put together for Youtube? Awesome. Then things get out of control. Hacking into gas lines to cause an explosion? How does that work? Hacking into a fighter pilot’s brain to get him to shoot at Bruce Willis? WTF? But by far, the most ridiculous part has to be where he uploads a virus into people’s computers that turns them into bombs. Even to Grandpa, this shouldn’t make any fucking sense. What part of Justin Long’s computer is combustible, much less capable of blowing up his entire apartment? Was he cooking meth inside it?

"The fumes from that explosion are getting me really high. Yippee Ki Yay, Mother Fucker!"

Given, not everyone is going to be a computer master, but even the most average user is going to be able to spot this bullshit. Hollywood doesn’t understand how they work (hey animator, conjure me up some special effects for my film), so they assume you won’t either. They think you’re an idiot, and even if you know that what are you going to do? Stop paying for tickets?

Yes. Yes I am.

Advertisements