I recently sat down with my 4 year old son to watch the Star Wars movies. He is a giant Star Wars fan, something I’m going to have to teach him to hide before he gets to high school if he wants to get laid and shit. We reached the end of Episode II, in which there is a particular event I feel I need to point out to the public.

Now most of you have heard me make this rant before, but you’re going to listen to it one last time, or hit the back button on your browser, depending on how frisky you’re feeling. The event I’m talking about is the lightsaber duel between Yoda and Count Dooku.

First of all, you have to take into account that lightsaber dueling and force wielding require completely different skill sets and abilities. It’s basically the Star Wars Sci-Fi version of a warrior and a mage, respectively. Now, you could discount where I’m going with this by pointing out warrior-mages, but you have to remember that a warrior-mage is a jack of all trades and a specialist in none, not a complete badass in both. Then you have to sadly remember that you’ve never seen your girlfriend outside of World of Warcraft.

For simplicity’s sake however, let’s disregard this fact and move on to my main point. Yoda walks with a cane. However, my problem is not with the cane. He’s an old guy and wants to walk with a stick, hey I can dig it. After all, pretty much the entire cast of The Lord of the Rings used walking sticks, and none of them had any problems tossing them aside when the bad guys showed up so they could kick some ass with their +3 Broadswords of Virginity, or whatever. The problem is not the cane, but the fact that he walks with a fucking limp. As in, one or more of his legs doesn’t work correctly. At the end of the movie however, he discards the stick, grabs his lightsaber, and not only can he stand up straight, as well as walk and run normally, but he’s got enough acrobatic skill to make Tony Jaa look like Christopher Reeve.

Now, if he can do this why does he limp like he once borrowed money from Mace Windu and had to have his kneecaps broken before he paid him back? It’s a popular argument that he’s conserving his strength, but it’s well known by pretty much everybody in the Star Wars universe that even his ear hairs are powerful in the force. He doesn’t need to conserve shit.

The only reasonable conclusion is that he does it to fuck with everybody’s heads, friend and foe alike, like a prank. That makes the short, green, shithead the equivalent of a lightning throwing, laser sword swinging, prank caller. It also explains how that saran wrap got on your toilet when no one has been over to your house, because he did it with his fucking mind.

So the next time you watch Return of the Jedi, and see that little bastard bite the big one, you can take solace in the fact that there is one less douche in the universe. A douche that can leap 6 feet in the air, shoot lightning out of his ass, and fakes a limp so he can have all the good parking spaces.

"Put Sweettarts in your beer, I did."

Also, why does everybody decry the new trilogy like it’s sacrilegious, but when I bring this up they all leap to Yoda’s defense? He doesn’t need you to defend him. He can jump over your head and slice it off. Right after he takes a shit on your front lawn and blames it on the dog. 

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