Archive for February, 2011


Hollywood thinks you’re a idiot. Every time they have computers in their films they automatically assume that you, the viewer, have no idea how they work, and therefore they can use them to do anything. It’s a magical thinking box, beware its sorcery!

"God damn it Grandpa! For the last time, this is how you sync your iPod."

They use computers as general purpose plot hole filler. They think no one will notice these little slip ups, but this is the internet my friend, and there are people like me who will notice and bitch about them. I hope that makes it hard for you to sleep at night Mr. Producer. I hope it irritates those paper cuts you have from wiping your ass with $100 bills smeared with cocaine. Hollywood still seems to be in the mindset that very few people know how computers work. However, you yourself found your way to my website, so even the most average US citizen knows something about these evil wizard-cubes*. In an age where computer use is highly prolific, it would be the equivalent of showing a trailer for a film romanticizing the life of a slave right before General Lee took the stage to surrender the Confederacy. I have compiled a list of the top 5 movies that take advantage of your computer illiteracy. After reading this, you will know more about computers than the average Hollywood producer. At least you’ll know which end of the keyboard does the typing.

*If you found your way to my website accidentally, then I advise that this site may be too mature for you. Immediately go to your address bar, type in http://www.allmidgetporn.com, then press enter to escape from this horrible site.

Tip: They have a chocolatey center

#5. CSI and Dexter

Fuck Up- Crimes are easily solved, thanks to computers.

CSI, Dexter, and numerous other cop shows portray forensic science as quick and easy answers in a box. A hobo beats a drug dealer to death with a fish while pissing his pants. The investigators scoop up some left behind urine, run it through a computer, and suddenly they have the killer’s name, appearance, shoe brand, dick size, and whether or not they believe 9/11 was a conspiracy.

"The suspect is to be considered High and Extremely Dangerous."

In real life, digital forensics is still very costly. Using computers for forensics can cost from $400 to $50,000, depending on the amount of information needed, databases accessed, tests required, etc. Even after you get the test results you have to know which of the aforementioned databases to cross-reference the information with. Is the suspect going to be registered with an in-state correctional facility, out-state correctional facility, mental hospital, or YMCA? Are they going to be registered in a database at all? Is it even worth all the time and money to investigate the case of The Hooker Who Was Stuffed into a Reese’s Pieces Bag? Fuck that, it’s Miller Time.

Masuka's in-office computer use is probably the closest "Dexter" gets to realistic forensic scientists, and I'm not talking about his Freecell high score.

#4. Eagle Eye

Fuck Up- Computer AIs control everything.

In Eagle Eye, a computer AI has seen too many Terminator movies and decided that Sky-Net is its role model. It tracks and manipulates Michelle Monaghan and Sam Witwickey into performing a mass-assassination through identity theft and hostage taking.

I can only imagine it stole his identity so that IT could make out with Megan Fox in the next Transformers movie.

Have you played a video game in the last 10 years? It is hyped on the back of 80% of game boxes to have “Advanced AI”, but computer controlled characters are still too fucking retarded to tell the difference between a door and a brick wall. If an AI was really in control then it would probably tell Shia to escape from the SWAT team by running directly at them, while blocking the bullets with his face. And what the fuck is he going to do when the idiot AI tells him that the objective he has to complete is inside the god damn bathroom wall? Or when it demands that “All your base are belong to us”?

Or that he has to bury only the top half of a 'roid monkey?

 

#3. Independence Day

Fuck Up- All computers are the same. What the fuck is compatibility?

One of the final scenes in Independence Day is so idiotic, it’s unintentionally hilarious. The human resistance has been utterly crushed. The American government realizes that the ancient Aztecs used to worship the alien invaders, and they were only able to appease them with human sacrifices. So they load an alien death trap with the two most expendable people they have on hand, Ian Malcolm and the Fresh Prince of Bel Air.

"We need to send a virus into outer space? Send Jeff Goldblum, just looking at him makes me sick."

Wait, you mean they planned on Jeff Goldblum hacking into the mother ship? Jeff Goldblum? With a Powerbook? Why the fuck are the super-advanced, intergalactic, space-traveling aliens using a shitty, human operating system? An operating system that was obsolete, even to humans, less than 10 years later?

"Jesus Christ, somebody call Tech Support! Hurry!"

#2. Jurassic Park

Fuck Up- All teenagers are computer geniuses.

Jurassic Park, by long and far, is not the only offender on this particular topic, but it is the most prevalent one. Also, this portion of idiocy manages to ruin a movie about dinosaurs. That’s like making a movie about a transforming, robotic, super hero who kicks ass and takes names, just to find out at the end that he’s a cross dresser who collects Princess Ponies. And eats puppies soaked in melted orphan sauce. Ok, that last bit might be cool.

Hollywood thinks everyone under the age of 18 is a computer programming genius. How many movies have you seen where the heroes need to hack into a computer system and none of the secret agents, femme fatales, fat slob comic reliefs, or genuine computer programmers have the required skill set to get the job done? But it’s ok, they do have an angsty teenage shithead! Yaay, the day is saved! This exact thing happens in Jurassic Park. The fat mailman from Seinfeld decides to fuck over the entire park because his boss has the audacity to tell him to do his job. Later, an actual computer programing expert explicitly says that “he can’t get the park back online without Dennis Nedry” (the Seinfeld mailman), but later in the movie the teenage girl, who has been completely useless up to this point, takes one look at a computer and says she “knows this”. Knows what? That that’s a computer screen and keyboard? Where in her high school computer class did they teach about an operating system designed to control fucking dinosaurs? Did I mention that the computer expert that I was talking about above (the one who couldn’t get the park running again) was played by Samuel L. Jackson? If he couldn’t get the park going again with a pistol to the face and a totally sweet bible verse, then I think the teenage retard would be screwed.

"I've got a plan! All the useful characters hide in the kitchen. Stupid teenager, you stay here and smother yourself in steaks and anything else that looks delicious!"

#1. Live Free or Die Hard

Fuck Up- You can hack into anything!

From what I can tell, Live Free or Die Hard is about a wizard who performs magic with something far more terrifying than a gay ass wand, Windows Vista. Timothy Olyphant plays the villain, some sort of computer genius. Besides also being a monster in a Winnie the Pooh cartoon, he also makes impossible things happen with hacking. Hacking into street lights and causing traffic accidents? Ok. Hacking into television networks to show a video that he and his nerd buddies put together for Youtube? Awesome. Then things get out of control. Hacking into gas lines to cause an explosion? How does that work? Hacking into a fighter pilot’s brain to get him to shoot at Bruce Willis? WTF? But by far, the most ridiculous part has to be where he uploads a virus into people’s computers that turns them into bombs. Even to Grandpa, this shouldn’t make any fucking sense. What part of Justin Long’s computer is combustible, much less capable of blowing up his entire apartment? Was he cooking meth inside it?

"The fumes from that explosion are getting me really high. Yippee Ki Yay, Mother Fucker!"

Given, not everyone is going to be a computer master, but even the most average user is going to be able to spot this bullshit. Hollywood doesn’t understand how they work (hey animator, conjure me up some special effects for my film), so they assume you won’t either. They think you’re an idiot, and even if you know that what are you going to do? Stop paying for tickets?

Yes. Yes I am.

Rocket Launcher > Horror

With the recent release of Dead Space 2 I thought I would take this week to discuss what not to do when making a horror game and why horror games in recent years have slipped and fallen so hard, if they were an ice skater they’d have brain damage.

"This is for cheating on me, bitch!"

There are typically two kinds of horror in games, “suspense horror” and “action horror”. The problem is I frequently find the term “action horror” to be an oxymoron. These kinds of games rely on “shock” scares, that is, having shit leap out at you from the dark/closet/waist basket/the devil’s underwear.

Can I leap INTO the devil's underwear instead?

These kinds of scares are good at first, if at all, but they tend to be overdone, and by the end of the game you are expecting it. They are good in movies, which only have a run time of about 2 hours. Most horror games, however, last for up to 15-20 hours, giving the player way too much time to adjust to this.

Also, in “action horror” games the player tends to carry around a veritable armory of death. Horrible abominations from the 7th Circle of Hell tend to lose all their scary when you’ve got a dozen ways to blow their faces out of their ass(es). How are you supposed to be scared when you are the baddest mother fucker in the building? Is that creature snarling or shitting himself when it expected a tasty meal and, instead, found John Fucking Rambo?

Now that's fuckin' scary!

You want to know what truly scares people? Mystery. The Unknown. The player’s imagination will always create something far more terrifying than anything a designer can create, because the horrors they concoct will always be something unique to them, something that they are afraid of. All the designer has to do is give them some battery cables and encourage the player to stick them to their own balls.

You have no idea how many testicles I had to look at on Google Images before I just said "fuck it" and settled on this

That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have monsters in your horror games, just don’t have your creatures constantly up in my face, waggling their tongues like a drunk hobo who’s tryin’ to make out with me. Which now that I think of it, is genuinely horrifying.

What a lot of games like Alan Wake, the FEAR series, and Dead Space fail to realize is that to inspire true fear you have to fuck with the player’s heads, not send wave after wave of creatures to be slaughtered by Ironman. You have to fuck with that brain like you hate it. Hate-fuck it. Or do it just because you’re an asshole to brains.

Gonna cry, fag?

 

Yoda is an Asshole

I recently sat down with my 4 year old son to watch the Star Wars movies. He is a giant Star Wars fan, something I’m going to have to teach him to hide before he gets to high school if he wants to get laid and shit. We reached the end of Episode II, in which there is a particular event I feel I need to point out to the public.

Now most of you have heard me make this rant before, but you’re going to listen to it one last time, or hit the back button on your browser, depending on how frisky you’re feeling. The event I’m talking about is the lightsaber duel between Yoda and Count Dooku.

First of all, you have to take into account that lightsaber dueling and force wielding require completely different skill sets and abilities. It’s basically the Star Wars Sci-Fi version of a warrior and a mage, respectively. Now, you could discount where I’m going with this by pointing out warrior-mages, but you have to remember that a warrior-mage is a jack of all trades and a specialist in none, not a complete badass in both. Then you have to sadly remember that you’ve never seen your girlfriend outside of World of Warcraft.

For simplicity’s sake however, let’s disregard this fact and move on to my main point. Yoda walks with a cane. However, my problem is not with the cane. He’s an old guy and wants to walk with a stick, hey I can dig it. After all, pretty much the entire cast of The Lord of the Rings used walking sticks, and none of them had any problems tossing them aside when the bad guys showed up so they could kick some ass with their +3 Broadswords of Virginity, or whatever. The problem is not the cane, but the fact that he walks with a fucking limp. As in, one or more of his legs doesn’t work correctly. At the end of the movie however, he discards the stick, grabs his lightsaber, and not only can he stand up straight, as well as walk and run normally, but he’s got enough acrobatic skill to make Tony Jaa look like Christopher Reeve.

Now, if he can do this why does he limp like he once borrowed money from Mace Windu and had to have his kneecaps broken before he paid him back? It’s a popular argument that he’s conserving his strength, but it’s well known by pretty much everybody in the Star Wars universe that even his ear hairs are powerful in the force. He doesn’t need to conserve shit.

The only reasonable conclusion is that he does it to fuck with everybody’s heads, friend and foe alike, like a prank. That makes the short, green, shithead the equivalent of a lightning throwing, laser sword swinging, prank caller. It also explains how that saran wrap got on your toilet when no one has been over to your house, because he did it with his fucking mind.

So the next time you watch Return of the Jedi, and see that little bastard bite the big one, you can take solace in the fact that there is one less douche in the universe. A douche that can leap 6 feet in the air, shoot lightning out of his ass, and fakes a limp so he can have all the good parking spaces.

"Put Sweettarts in your beer, I did."

Also, why does everybody decry the new trilogy like it’s sacrilegious, but when I bring this up they all leap to Yoda’s defense? He doesn’t need you to defend him. He can jump over your head and slice it off. Right after he takes a shit on your front lawn and blames it on the dog.